My AutoBiography, Part 1: Whatayamean, Water Doesn't Compress?

In a nearly-shameless ripoff of tribute to Paul Niedermeyer's Auto-Biography series on The Truth About Cars, I've decided to chronicle the vehicular history that's led me to where I am today (and where I'd like to be tomorrow).

The combination of good grades and wealthy parents lead me to a lifted 1991 Jeep Wrangler for a first car. With the 4.0L I-6, 4.56:1 gears and 32" tires, the thing was the 0-40 drag champ and pretty capable offroad...to say nothing of its popularity with the ladies.

Unfortunately, the nut behind the wheel wasn't really up to the challenge of a certain bumper-deep water obstacle at the local semi-legal 4-wheeling destination. It turns out the YJ Wrangler has a cold-air intake that pulls in from below the headlights, rather than the near-hood-level that one might expect on an off-road vehicle.

It also turns out that water doesn't compress.

Now I know that if your engine dies due to water intake, you should pull your spark plugs and crank the water out. At the time, I just cranked it. It turns out the OEM Jeep starter has enough torque to bend the connecting rods in this situation.

Nearly $4000 and a new Mopar remanufactured engine later, and I needed a job.

Being a car fan and possessing enough skills to remove and re-install bolts myself, I got a job at the local Goodyear Service center. I worked not-quite 40 hours a week mounting tires, changing oil and delivering parts and customers over the southwest Bay Area.

That job was pivotal in turning me from a car fan to a gearhead. Being in, out, around and under hundreds — if not thousands — of cars, I got a feel for 5, 10, or 15 year old examples various makes of cars — how they were built, how they aged, and how painful they were to work on.

My time left me with a severe disdain for the following: German lug-centric wheels, GM plastic lug nut covers, and all things Corvette (wheels, tires, pressure sensors and especially their owners).

All joking aside, it's a job I'd highly recommend to any budding car fan. You'll make better money than almost anywhere, occasionally get to play hero mechanic for a damsel in distress, stay in shape heaving tires around, and occasionally pick up some pretty good perks in the form of parts or favors. The techs (real mechanics) will teach you a lot if you're willing to listen. The experience will teach you all kinds of skills and random knowledge when it comes to cars. You'll know so much more from working on cars than Motor Trend can ever tell you.

Of course, mounting tires and changing oil doesn't make you an ASE Master Tech. In fact, having an optimized set of tools and supplies for a very limited range of jobs can lead you to believe all automotive maintenance is as easy as 4 tires on a Civic. Alas, this is not the case, as we'll learn in my next segment...

A Future for Pontiac

It appears Pontiac's circling the drain.

They build excitement, all right...

It's certainly GM's prerogative to shut down a poor-selling brand that's largely a clone to Chevy. 20-something years of a brand identity consisting of plastic cladding and crappy fog lights will leave a mark that's hard to wipe off with the occasional decent car. I believe there's hope for the pointy-arrow brand. Let me play Al Sloan for a bit.

GM has a long history of getting it right when they want, particularly when it comes to parts-bin specials. These would be limited production, performance-oriented models largely based on existing platforms. Pontiac's future lies in performance-oriented versions of other mass-market GM products.

Certainly better than the Torrent GXP

The list is long and awesome. There was the Impala SS, a mixture of Corvette engine and cop car drivetrain. For those feeling a bit truckish, we have the Syclone and Typhoon evil twins. In recent times, Chevy's managed to give us the platform-mate HHR SS and Cobalt SS, sporting 260hp of turbocharged Ecotec goodness. Last but not least, there's the GNX, an uber version of the Grand National, itself a seriously juiced up Regal.

As much as it pains me to point them out, the Hummer H2 and H3 fit this mold as well. While Hummer has become the go-to brand for the those wishing to make the wrong statement about themselves, the potential was there. They could've skipped the ridiculous sheet metal and the terrible ad campaigns in favor of more ground clearance, but let's not dwell on it for the time being. The point is, GM has a wide array of powertrains and chassis' that can be altered from the factory for remarkable performance.

Back to Pontiac. With the exception of the G8, the entire Pontiac lineup is badge-engineered from other GM products, so why not add some upgrades in middle of the the copy-past operation?

Specifically, I propose two tiers of every Pontiac: a "base" that's still a notch sportier than the Chevy counterpart, and the GXP (do we really have to stick with GXP?) that's the over-the-top headline getter. The GXPs will be the attention getters and buzz-generators, but the base models will be the volume sellers (as it's always been).

Pontiac By Mad Science™ will need to break from the GM mold in a few key areas, however. Firstly, they must embrace manual transmissions. I know they only represent something like a 10% take rate and cost more to certify for CAFE and EPA, but if you're the performance brand, you need to offer three pedals in every model. Secondly, they're going to need to offer real, substantial performance upgrades and avoid appearance-only "sport" packages. Springs, shocks, swaybars and a decently constructed driver's seat will go farther than you could imagine (particularly when accompanied by a manual trans). Stickers, cladding, and enchaced seat fabric are The Devil's Tools.

Lastly, they must take front wheel drive (and even all wheel drive) performance seriously. GM knows how to build kickass RWD monsters, but the ability to build a legitimate WRX, GTI, MINI or Integra/RSX (RIP) competitor will be crucial going forward. $30-50k AMG and M slayers are great, but the $18-25k sport compacts will build your brand. Ask anyone who grew up in the 90s and now makes enough to purchase the car of their choice (hi mom!).

Let's move on to specific examples. Namely, the G5. The Pontiac G5 is a half-ass rebadge of the Cobalt. In my Pontiac, the base G5 would be the 171hp upgraded naturally aspirated Ecotec, with a GXP cloning the Cobalt SS.

Photo Courtesy CobaltSS.net member 1WhiteSSTC, via Wikipedia

However, in my GM, there would be no Cobalt SS, as Chevy is the everyman's brand and Pontiac is the performance brand. Any performance GM car that doesn't have a brand history (e.g., Camaro or Corvette) would be a Pontiac.

Lastly, even the much-ballyhooed Aveo/G3 cousinhood could bear tasty fruit. Take the VW Polo GTI or Fiesta Zetec S as a benchmark. Even low-end subcompacts can be a hoot with lively suspension tuning, 120-150hp and a manual gearbox. The G3 could be the Polo GTI in North America.

Why Not?

However, a niche Pontiac would be unlikely to stand on its own. Putting my Sloan hat back on, I see Chevy existing as a volume selling, complete brand with trucks, cars and performance all rolled into one. The other GM brands, as a group, would constitute a parallel brand, with less emphasis on volume and more emphasis on filling in niches left by Chevy. As such, Pontiac-Buick-GMC (-Saturn?) dealers won't feel left out in the cold.

So, could this work? I wouldn't have taken all this time out of my otherwise busy Friday night to draft this diatribe if I didn't think so.

Spelling for Gearheads on the Internet

Until recent times, it didn't matter if you could spell carburetor, provided you could tune one. I'm sorry, Cletus, but those days are over.

I'm not such a pedantic tool as to correct someone's spelling online, but that doesn't mean it doesn't bother me. Beyond simple annoyance (your/you're), it gets to be a problem when trying to buy stuff online.

While I may know that what you've listed as an "axel" sits under the springs and between the wheels, Craigslist has yet to implement Google's "Did you mean _____?" feature. The means I'm not going to find your "axel", because I'm searching for an axle.

That said, here's a list of commonly misspelled car related words:

• axle
• bearing (not "baring")
• brakes (not "breaks")
• Camaro
• carburetor
• clutch
• convertible
• differential
• Galaxie is the Ford product, galaxy is a bunch of stars
• hydraulic
• manifold
• manual
• torque
• transmission
• viscous (not vicious)
• wrench

That's enough for now. I'm hoping to link back to this post, and or edit the (unfortunately) growing list as time goes on.

Just Buy The Classic

Today's cars are boring. More accurately: "Today's cars are boring" is a quote I hear all too often amongst auto enthusiasts.

The Car of The 21st Century is indeed over-optimized for the purist. What once was handled though screwdrivers and fancy footwork is now contained in the sorcery of silicon. Automotive excellence depends on the kids whose parents provided them with sensible transportation in high school allowing them to focus on their studies, rather than spend Sunday night keeping the moped/Pinto/Chevette running. Opening the hood is like disrobing an alien. The parts are there...but there's no making sense of it.

"It's such a shame," they comment "that you can't get a stripped-down sports car/econobox without all that extra crap. I bet it you could get a Camaro under $20k and 3000lbs if they offered a stripper model". There's usually a debate about active Vs passive safety and a "when I was a kid we crawled all over the bench seat..." thrown in for good measure.

BMW should've made the MINI smaller, all sports cars should come with the option for no options, and what's with all the airbags?

Well, I tell you what: Shut the Hell Up and just buy the classic.


For half the price of most new cars, you can get a beautiful daily-driver grade vehicle from the era you so selectively remember as great. Let me get you started with eBay motors. The cars pictured were harvested from the completed listings section and represent actual prices that these cars sold for.



A funny thing happens if you suggest this. A stream of excuses pours forth, everything from blaming the wife to problems with snow to driveway space/maintenance issues. Never mind that for the difference in price between the classic and a new CamCord/Fusibu, you could afford a second car/bike and pay mechanic's bills for a number of years. Provided we're not talking about a Crosly, anything from the 60s onward still has a usable parts base.



Locating it will detract from your blog commenting time, though.

I Want It: 1971 Corolla 2-Door Wagon

It's no secret that I'm a big fan of wagons. I'm also a big fan of pre-boring Toyotas. Additionally, compact RWD cars are a staple for gearheads the world over. More so when they're cheap.

So here we have the Quadruple Threat: a 1971 (Pre Smog!) Toyota Corolla wagon.



With a manual transmission, mildly hopped-up engine (probably making 85ish HP) and the beloved 2-door wagon body style, it'd be the perfect mix of economy sporty feel and character that I've been looking for in a commuter mule. At $2500 (asking price), it's a killer bargain.



Not sure about those SAAB wheels, though. Yeah...that's the excuse I'll use for not picking it up.

Here's the Current Craigslist Link

Project Proposal: Diesel Disco Vette

As my screen name might suggest, I have some experience with the world of science and research. Funny thing about research: you can't sell it. Well, not in the traditional sense. With a normal good or service, the buyer pays upon delivery of the good or service. In the case of research, it's really the opposite. They pay you...and you get back to them with a report or something eventually.

And so is launched what might be an ongoing series I call "Project Proposal". Essentially, I'm selling you on my cockamamie schemes. Not like I think someone's going to fund me with a Project Car Hell Grant, but more because my wife wants me to stop sending her this stuff on IM while we're both at work.

That said...here we go...



My current (and for the foreseeable future) commute is a 45 mile (one way) dash against traffic from northeast LA to sprawltastic Santa Clarita, CA (ever been to Magic Mountain?). The '06 WRXagon is a fine steed, but I'd really love something more optimized for commuting, you know?

Thus I propose one of many Super Commuter Projects: the Diesel Disco Vette.

The C3 Corvette served as an unfortunate bridge for GM's premier sports car. Form the 425HP ZR-2 of 1970, it fell to the Malaise-o-riffic high 100s HP by the late 70s, the years most associated with the car in this author's mind.

With little in the way of prestige to be lost, I propose to swap a 6.2 or 6.5L GM diesel into a pre-smog (gotta love Kali-fuorneeya) C3 vette. As Saint Wiki will tell you, the Detroit Diesel engines were designed for economy, not power. Knowing these engines can return mid-20 MPG in the Blazers or military CUCVs of the day, I've no doubt it could deliver mid-30s MPG in something as light and pointy as a Vette.

...and it can all be had at bargain prices! Here's a project-special C3 with a (reserve no met) price of a little over 3 grand. It'll probably go for about 5, but I've seen rougher examples go for much less. Complete reman GM diesels can be had for a little more here. Thrown an NV4500 manual in there, and I figure you're cruising in oil-burning style for around 15 grand.

Oh, and then there's that whole biodiesel thing...

I could think of nothing better than to show up at a Corvette meet with a clattering, smoke-belching C3 with a matte green paint job, smelling of french-fries.

Supra-Powered Ranchero, Why Must You Tempt Me So?

I'm talking about this guy. Here's a screenshot if the ad goes down.

I've got a soft-spot for truck-cars (El Caminos and Rancheros, et al, and the 60-65 Ranchero holds a special place in my heart.



Unfortunately, that generation has some of the worst front suspensions ever fitted to an automobile. To add insult to injury, the majority (particularly the early years) come with an undesirable I-6 + two speed auto or three-on-the-tree combo. (V8 and 4 on the floor only for Mr. Mad Science).

...and so I'm intrigued by this '63 with the 2.8L 5M-GE I-6 from an '83 Supra. It even comes with the Toyota's 5-speed transmission, addressing the typical highway insufficiency of older cars' non-overdrive transmissions.

At 150ish HP, the 2.8L 5M-GE isn't going to be King of the Strip, but&mdash lets be honest here&mdash the 260, 289 and 302 V8s of old didn't put out much more that 150HP anyway. Not sure about the 300ZX seats...but we're already in 80s Japanese Invasion territory, so why not expand to the interior as well?



I guess the final attractor is the price: $3000, while not on-a-whim money, is a pretty decent price for what could be a pretty cool car.

Assuming you've got $3k in your girlfriend's savings account lying around, it really comes down to whether you can stand the black-on-yellow bumblebee paintjob (or stand to repaint it).



This thing's been on Craigslist for a few months now...any takers?